I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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