She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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