Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
