he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
