Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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