Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I need to stop coming to work sober
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
