Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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