i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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