Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
