I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
