a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
We need to get me chipped asap
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
