She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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