my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
