i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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