A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
