Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Someone came in the potted fern
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
