life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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