I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
