The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
