Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
