drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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