well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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