I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Duck Duck Cougar?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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