new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
