The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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