apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize
