Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
