people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
