I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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