come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
