Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize