apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
If its not for food we ain't going out.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
