I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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