Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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