I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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