They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
