so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
