I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
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It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
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And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
FUCK WHALES
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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