would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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