I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
