Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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