don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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