i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
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