I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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