I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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