best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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