My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
