he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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