Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
