I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
