No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
