I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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