My first STD was from a foam party
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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