Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
