i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
