im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
