I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
