I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
