I will die if light touches me.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
