So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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