It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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