Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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