I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
