i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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