well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I wish they made helmets for livers.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
