if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
a search helicopter?!
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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